Wrestling with God

I got hit in the face yesterday with my pride and selfishness. I want life and ministry to be neatly wrapped up and delivered on time. I want God to show up and clearly speak His will, so that I don’t have to wrestle with Him or His will. I am admittedly very idealistic about life. I have these grand visions of how life should ideally play out. As much as I talk about struggle and resisting comfort, you’d think that I would understand that life hardly works out how we think that it should. I’ve realized this more and more recently and it has not been very pleasant. I have tried to control God with my actions. I have stopped trusting that He will provide all my needs through Christ Jesus. I have wavered and not been faithful to Him who has called me.

Life is messy. Life often comes without pretty wrapping paper.

I want life to be a batting-practice lob-ball. Life is instead a series of curve and screw balls that keep you off-balanced and guessing.

I want life to be neat and pretty. Life is instead thick and messy.

I want life to be clean and simple. Life is instead dirty and complex.

I want life to fit my formulas and make sense. Life instead does not fit formulas nor does it always make sense.

I want life to go how I want it to. Life instead is directed by God like the flow of a river.            

I want to be able to make all decisions by myself. But God says that there is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.  (Proverbs 14:12)

I want to be without community speaking into my life. But the Christian life is not about the individual, but the Church; the community of believers.

I don’t want life to be about my weakness and lack of put-togetherness. But God reveals that He is strong when we are shown to be weak. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

I want to know it all and have my life together. But God is not about me having my stuff together, but instead conforming me into the image of His Son as we walk together in relationship that leads to life.

I want to see the next step. But God wants me to walk by faith and trust Him.  

I want a lot of things, but often these things are not what God desires for me. I am praying and wrestling with God. I want my foundation to be the gospel. I want my hope to be the gospel. I want my life trajectory to be the gospel. I want my focus to be the gospel. I want to quit asking for answers and to learn to walk with God, trusting that His ways are better and higher than mine. 

Used Up

Can I trust a God that would use me up completely for the sake of someone else or something else? Can I trust a God like that? Is that fair at all to go through a situation and act and be who I am supposed to be and get nothing from it? Would I be OK with a God who would completely waste my life for the good of others?

I have a great friend that posed these questions to me a while back, but I really did not have much of a context to answer these questions, so I just chatted with him a little bit about them. However, recently I have had a few experiences that have left me ‘unfairly’ treated and somewhat ‘used up’; all for the sake of those around me and of no discernable good for me.

Is that fair? To be exactly who I am supposed to be and get no reward for it?

Depends on how I view God. If I think that I can control God with my behavior and actions and heart motives, then I am way off base. God is Creator and Sovereign and Lover and Savior. I am not. He is in the heavens and does as He pleases. (Psalm 115:3) To think that I can control situations and life events with the way I act and behave is absurd.

I have often thought and still think sometimes that if I will just be the man God has called me to be, and the worker God has called me to be, and the friend that God has called me to be, then God will have to reward that and give me the desires of my heart.

What a foolish attitude that has crept in my heart and snuck into my life unnoticed. I thought that I could control God and make Him behave the way I wanted Him to.

A common American way of thinking that often gets associated with Christianity is, ‘God helps those who help themselves.’ Not true in the least sense. God is in the Heavens and He does as He pleases. (Psalm 115:3) God helps those whom He desires to help, regardless of human behavior. God does as He desires and acts for His glory and our utmost joy. My pastor says this a lot, ‘God is more committed to His Glory and your joy than you ever will be.’ I think this is true and consistent with the Scriptures.

A common verse used to back this view is this:

 ‘God works all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.’ Romans 8:28

This is a completely true statement, but the Scripture does not leave this up to our interpretation as to what is for our good. Paul continues:

‘For those whom He foreknew (or fore-loved) He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, in order that He might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom He predestined He also called, and those whom He called He also justified, and those whom He justified He also glorified.’ Romans 8:29-30

So, our good is found in that which conforms us into the image of God’s Son, Jesus Christ. That is what is good for me, not whatever I thought or think is best for me. God knows that to conform me into the image of His Son is of far greater significance than any other fleeting joy on this earth. I love that I am the passive agent in all of this. God loved. God predestined. God called. God justified. God glorifies. God gets all the glory, not me.

There’s a story in the Old Testament about a man named Isaac (the son of Abraham). God tells Rebekah, his wife, that she will have two sons and the older one will serve the younger one. This was very inconsistent with an honor-based, patriarchal society. Paul says that this was to show that God was sovereign not because of human works but simply because God calls. Paul asked whether this was injustice on God’s part, because Esau (the older son) ‘deserved’ to be honored as the oldest and was ‘unfairly’ treated. Paul then quotes God’s words to Moses in Exodus 33:19.

‘I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion. So then it depends not on human will or exertion, but on God, who has mercy. For the Scripture says to Pharaoh, ‘For this very purpose I have raised you up, that I might show my power in you, and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth. So then He has mercy on whomever He wills, and He hardens whomever He wills.’ Romans 9:15-18

I think we like to think that we can control God and order His steps. We like to think that God will be forced to react a certain way if we just behave, however I don’t believe this. I do know that God rewards and blesses the righteous. I do think that it is OK to receive blessing and rewards from God, knowing that they come down from God the Father. But when we expect to be rewarded and aren’t, we can’t question whether God is there, or righteous, or faithful. He Is, even when we doubt. He Is, even if we don’t understand.

To answer my initial question, ‘Can I trust a God that would use me up completely for the sake of someone else or something else?’, I will do it this way.

Yes. Yes I can, and Yes I do.

So, for me to be ‘used up’ ‘unfairly’ does not lead me to hatred or questioning, but to a place of worship for a God that knows me and knows what I need more than I think I do. I definitely have questioned and wondered if this is what is for the best, but I trust God more than I trust my doubting.

My prayer is not for my situation to change, but for me to see God more rightly. Enlarge not my territories, but my view and love of You, God. 

Playing The Game Well

Do you ever feel like life is a big game? I think so, and I’ve thought about this a lot over the years as I have struggled to play the game well.

I know how to play the game, but that doesn’t mean that I want to. I know the answers. I know the right things to say (most of the time). However, just because I have and know the right answer (concerning missions, the Bible, the gospel, life, drinking, career, etc.), that does not mean that my life has been consistent with the words that I say. Does knowing the right answers get in the way of my realness? Does an understanding of this Game get in the way of deep and right relationships? Does a developed skill at playing this Game well hinder growth?

One of the virtues that I hold very highly is honesty, or you might call it realness. This hasn’t always been the case though. Pre-college, I’d say that I had not seen a whole lot of realness. This observation though is mostly an indictment on me and my lack of honesty with others. I had more masks and fronts that I was even aware of. I rarely let anyone in to see who I really am. I learned to play the game early.

The Game, as I have seen it, seems to be about putting on an air of having all things together, so that others might either respect or love you. The Game, in my perception, is about only showing strength and coolness and never showing weakness or un-coolness.

To get good at the game, one must learn what it is that others might want to see in you. This is problematic for many reasons. First, as Christians our aim is not to please men but to please God. Because of the gospel’s effect on our life, we are pleasing to God because of Jesus Christ and do not have to work to be somebody of value and worth. Second, it is impossible to please men, because we are fickle and our emotions are ever-changing. We can never keep up with a standard that is ever-changing. Third, we are imperfect beings and will never be rid of weaknesses and be filled with coolness. To put on the mask of having all things together is a lie and inconsistent with what we all know to be true.

To get good at the game, one must learn how to cover weakness and mask it as coolness, where weakness is defined as the things that you believe that others don’t want to see in you and coolness are those things that you believe others do want to see in you. This is also problematic, because Paul said that in our weakness, His power is made perfect. When we have all things together (or think we do), then we become independent of God, which is the opposite of how we are supposed to live towards Him; in complete dependency.

To get good at the game, one must never be completely honest. To be completely honest is to admit weakness and lack of coolness. This would be a detriment to ones status in the game. This is likewise problematic to the Christian, since we are people of the Truth which is Jesus Christ. We are called to be people who know the Truth and speak the Truth. To play the game well is not speak of the Truth.

To get good at the game, one must be about elevating oneself above everyone else. Since we are not perfect, we make this game about being better than those around you. We might even surround ourselves with people we deem as being less than we are so that we might look great; sandbagging is the term for this in sports. The problem with this is that we are comparing ourselves to the wrong standard. Our Standard is not other men, but Christ Jesus Himself. When we compare ourselves to Him, we see how weak and needy we truly are.

This game is filled with problematic rules and assumptions. To call oneself a Christian and continue to submit to the rules of the game is inconsistent.

We are fully accepted because of the gospel. We are fully free because of the gospel. We are called heirs and sons of God because of the gospel. We are free from pleasing others because of the gospel. We are free to love because of the gospel. We are free to be weak and un-cool because of the gospel. The gospel is our ticket out of the game.

However, when I continue to submit to the rules of the Game, I hinder deep and right relationships. I put a barrier between me and others and God. When I keep playing the game (knowing the right answers, putting on masks, acting inconsistently with who God says that I am, etc.), I hinder growth in Christ and love for others. I become too worried with how people see me in the flesh and not worried about the gospel being seen clearly in me.

In college, I began to find guys who once had played the game well, but had surrendered their lives to the gospel. They were so free and full of life, and I wanted that. I have tried to surround myself with these people, so that they will rub off on me and force me to be real. This is what I desire; to be able to be real and not worry about playing the game well.

We will never meet the standard imposed on us by others, so why keep trying to? Get out of the game and come to Jesus; in Him is found true freedom. In Him, we are free to be weak and un-cool. In Him, we are free to love. In Him, we are fully accepted. In Him, we have life free from the games that we play. 

From Straight-jacket to Freedom

In my young professional community we are working through Tim Keller’s The Reason for God by discussing the questions raised in his book through a Biblical perspective. This past week had some great discussion on a very hard question that I have thought about over the years. (As a side note, my Dad has read this book and has mentioned that this book is in his all-time top-5 books. His heart was stirred to at least a dozen sermons through the content of this book.)

Are Christianity and the Bible a straightjacket on freedom, individualism and truth?

Tim Keller is pastor of a church in Manhattan called Redeemer. Manhattan, and all of NYC, is the home of many forward-thinking and typically liberal young minds. Many have said that orthodox Christianity cannot find a home among such thinkers, because the Church is for the simple-minded Conservative unwilling to honestly think about the claims of Christianity vs. the claims of the rest of the world. However, Keller’s church is thriving in the midst of a skeptical and modern society, which is a great argument for the truth of Christ and the church being founded in almost every culture around the world. Christianity is not for one culture, language or people group, but is for the nations as spoken by God throughout the Scriptures. Keller has found a way to be founded in the truth of Scripture and God, yet being culturally relevant among the people of Manhattan. Being among this type of person has caused him to consider what appear to be some very difficult questions about the Christian faith and God. Keller has not shied away from hard questions though, and presents great arguments for the validity of our faith throughout his book and his preaching. However, my favorite thing about Keller thus far is his love for those he is discussing with. He never approaches anyone with a Truth-Stick to beat them into submission. He always approaches the questions with grace and truth. He never shies away from being a Christian or the truth of the Scriptures, but always come to the argument with love and much grace, which is very encouraging to me.

Many people see Christianity and thus the Bible (and other religions and their holy books for that matter) as a power play by some authority to get you to follow some set of rules, which limits freedom and individualism and culture and truth. First, it is important to answer some basic questions; what is freedom, what is truth, and what does Christianity say about both.

What is freedom?

                Some would say that America is a place of freedom, yet there are many rules that are present here. Rules of law, rules of cultural acceptance, rules of social interaction and many more exist even in the most ‘free’ places. Rules are inescapable, it is truly just a matter of what rules that you submit to. We discussed different meanings of freedom; some patriotic, some based on choices, and rebellious others founded in the absence of authority. The best that we discussed was founded in the truth of Scripture; freedom is the ability to enjoy life and all of its pursuits to the fullest in Jesus Christ, under no compulsion except to love God and others. Freedom is what gives us the capacity to love God and others. Freedom does not release us from the laws and rules of our country, religion or culture, but allows us to joyfully obey them in glad submission to the authorities set up by God the Father, the highest authority.

What is truth?

                Some people have issue with Christianity because our truth claims are exclusive of others truth claims. However, it makes complete sense that truth claims would exclude. If your definition of what is true is not exclusive of others truth claims, then your truth cannot be true. To quote the great Christian rapper LeCrae, ‘If my truth says that your truth is wrong, then who’s is really true?’ Jesus, when questioned in front of Pilate before his imminent death, said that His purpose of coming into the world was to bear witness to the Truth and only those who were of the Truth could hear his voice. Jesus was claiming to be Truth and God in this sentence, like He did many times elsewhere in the Scriptures. Truth, and thus absolute truth, is unavoidable because not everything is relative; there must be a Standard by which everything is measured. The claim of absolute truth is not narrow-minded nor the enemy of authentic personhood.

Christianity is the most socially adaptable of all the major religions, including atheism/agnosticism. Christianity has spread all over the world to countless peoples, while most of the major religions have stayed very centralized in the place of origin. If you look at Christianity around the world, there is no definable Christian culture that fits all the peoples. However, there is a very distinct Muslim culture, Buddhist culture, and Jewish culture, as defined by dress, traditions, language, etc. Christianity is adaptable because it is not about how we dress or the music we sing, but about love and worship for God in whatever form is relevant in that culture. Either way some would say that our Christian community is exclusive, but that argument is not founded on sound reason. (side note: Christianity has had forms that are very exclusive (race, gender, traditions, etc.) but this is not the message of the Bible nor of God throughout all of time.)

The essence of community is exclusive and can’t be completely inclusive. All groups have some set of moral truths they believe in, which are not inclusive. He uses a great example of a pastor saying that Homosexuality is OK in the eyes of God and the president of the local Gay, Lesbian and Transgender society saying that homosexuality is a sin. At some point both of these organizations (one typically cast as exclusive and the other cast as inclusive) will have to ask their leadership to step down, because they no longer fit in with the common beliefs held among that group. Somebody’s rules (of morality, actions, interaction, behavior, ethics, etc.) will reign within a people; it is just a matter of whose worldview will reign supreme.

So this begs the question; whose worldview will be held in highest esteem in our society?

Christianity seems to be limiting and constraining from outside appearances, but is in fact the most liberating and freeing worldview that exists. First, think about a love relationship. It seems that loving someone is very limiting, because you give up much of yourself in order to be in relationship with another human being. However, inside of that nurturing and caring relationship, there is more life than could be found outside of that relationship with more ‘freedom’. Constraining and limiting oneself to the right constraints and limits is more freeing than living haphazardly with no rules, morals or ethics. Second, think about a professional musician. He invariably limited himself by disciplining his body to the pursuit of becoming a great musician. Many times he chose to stay home to practice instead of ‘freely’ going out and enjoying himself. This seems to be limiting, but in fact was very freeing because he now can express his musical talents in a way that gives much more life and freedom than if he had chosen to just flail around and enjoy himself flippantly.

Christianity says that God limited Himself to create us and love us. He could have existed for all of eternity in the Trinity just enjoying Himself. He could have done whatever pleased Himself, but instead chose to create this rebellious people and then to become like us to save us. That is very limiting, but in fact shows great love. He chose to do this to show great love and to get great glory. Freedom in Christ is the ability to love others and to enjoy life to its fullest, which is found only in Christ Jesus. Christ has set us free to love Him and others.

Christianity is not limiting but freeing. We are free to live in the way we were designed to live. Since God created us, we ought to operate in the way that He created us to. No one would buy a car and then refuse to change the oil or refill it with gasoline, and if he did then the car would not be free but would be constrained. Just like the car was meant to operate according the owner’s manual, so we are meant to operate according to the Word of God. The Bible is not a hindrance to freedom, but in fact tells us of the way to live life more freely.

If we can’t see the God behind the rules, then we will never live in glad submission to His rules. If we can’t respect the maker of the rules, then we will never obey joyfully. If we refuse to acknowledge our inherent design, then we will never live in a way that we were created to do.

I am praying that we might not see the Bible or Christianity as a straightjacket, but as freedom to live.

This Present Calling

I was asked recently when I first felt called to missions. That question was a little complicated to answer for me.

There is a running joke in my family that when I am asked when I learned something that I will answer, “I’ve always known that!” Now, I do not earnestly believe that this statement is true, but in some sense it correctly portrays how I feel. When I learn something easily it is because I have had some sense that it was true even before it was ever explained to me. The best books and teachers are ones that more eloquently express what it is that I know deep within me. Those are the things that resonate with me. I learn best when I learn something that I have either seen to be true or have a sense that it is true even without seeing it. It sounds arrogant that I have always known something but sometimes that’s the best way for me to describe how I feel about a truth.

In response to the question about missions, I instinctively answered that I have always felt called to missions.

Now, this statement is not true at all, but it is hard to remember a time when I did not feel that way. I know that in reality this change came sometime during college for me when God changed my heart to love Him above all else. It happened when I first began to earnestly seek God through His Word. It is hard to remember a time when I did not desire to be sent with the gospel as my nametag and identity.

Our conversation went on to delve into the realities of missions and the gospel. If you have not picked up on it yet, I am somewhat idealistic about many things, including missions. In my arrogance I tend to idealize missions and the call to bring the gospel to those opposed to it. We got to talking about the need to be obedient in the present situation before God will call us to be obedient in a future situation. To be effective in another culture, we must first be effective in our own culture and life situation. If we want to be missionaries to the ends of the earth, we must first be missionaries at the beginning of the earth. Being a missionary is not a future endeavor, but a present calling no matter the circumstances. The words that were spoken to me were cutting and convicting, even invoking a little bit of anger. I did not want to admit that I was wrong, which is hard for me. I did not want to be teachable in that moment to the Spirit’s conviction. I wanted to rest in my arrogant notions about my effectiveness, talents and gifts. I wanted to stay convinced that hopping on a plane and changing my circumstances would change my heart. I wanted to not listen, but that was not even allowed in the moment.

That short little conversation stirred much thought in my mind and burden in my heart.

I was challenged to consider the missionary call on my present reality. If I continually am looking to a future situation to satisfy me, then I will not be obedient in the present day. If my focus is always on what may come to be, then I will not be effective or relevant in my current reality. I so desire the gospel to go the ends of the earth, but find it hard to see that happening through me even in Midland, Texas. I began to realize that the gospel must penetrate my heart first before it will ever penetrate those around me. I am praying that for my own life and for those around me, that the gospel would penetrate our hearts and bring us to our knees in dependence on Christ Jesus. I am praying that God would stir our hearts with a passion for His name and for the glorification of Christ in the gospel.

“The Lord conquered my unbelief, and I surrendered myself to God for this service. I told Him that all the responsibility as to issues and consequences must rest with Him; that as His servant, it was mine to obey and follow Him—His, to direct, to care for, and to guide me and those who might labor with me. Need I say that peace at once flowed into my burdened heart?” – J. Hudson Taylor

‘I believe we are all in danger of accumulating—it may be from thoughtlessness, or from pressure of occupation—things which would be useful to others, while not needed by ourselves, and the retention of which entails loss of blessing. If the whole resources of the Church of God were well utilized, how much more might be accomplished! How many poor might be fed and naked clothed, and to how many of those as yet unreached the Gospel might be carried!” – J. Hudson Taylor

Apostolic Passion

I have been doing some reading tonight for my Perspectives class. Recently I’ve gotten into a bad habit of just searching for the answers in the articles. But tonight was different. I actually read. It’s similar to the difference between listening and hearing. Tonight I actually read not just sounded out words in my head to form cognitive sentences. This one article entitled Apostolic Passion caught my attention.

I think about passion often. I hardly think of being apostolic. But the two ideas were meshed together and it really made a lot of sense.

Apostle – a sent one; a messenger

Passion – referring to how much you are willing to suffer to get something; a deep hunger that will be satisfied no matter the cost

Apostolic passion is a deliberate, intentional choice to live for the worship of Jesus in the nations. Apostolic passion has to do with being committed to the point of death to spreading His glory. It’s the quality of those who are on fire for Jesus, who dream of the whole earth being covered with the glory of the Lord.

Having an apostolic passion means you are dangerous. You are no longer seduced by getting and gaining but to spreading and proclaiming the glory of God in the nations. You live as a pilgrim, unattached to the cares of this world. You are not afraid of loss. You even dare to believe you may be given the privilege of dying to spread His fame on the earth. The Father’s passions have become your passions. You find your satisfaction and significance in Him. You believe He is with you always, to the end of life itself. You are sold out to God, and you live for the Lamb. Your greatest dream is that His name will be praised in languages never before heard in heaven. Your reward is the look of pure delight you anticipate seeing in His eyes when you lay at His feet the just reward of His suffering: the worship of the redeemed.

Where am I not willing to die to myself?

Am I willing to go, but pleased to stay?

Do I really long for the glory of God to spread to all the nations, starting with my home?

Do I have a passion for the glory of God to be revealed in the entire world?

Am I serving my own dreams of greatness?

Am I just waiting to do ‘the next thing’ that God tells me?

Am I an over-fed, under-motivated Christian hiding behind the excuse that God has not spoken to me?

Praying, ‘Lord be ruthless with me in revealing my selfish ambition and my lack of willingness to die to myself.’

Praying that God would continue to grow a sense of apostolic passion in me. I have seen it in me at points and I have seen it in my rearview mirror at other times. I am praying that this would fully describe my life one day - a man on a fiery mission to see God’s glory revealed in all the earth.

Praying that God would raise up an apostolic passion in those around me. I am tired of seeing us be half-hearted, distracted children in our pursuits. Grow us to be men and women who are changing the game.

Playmakers and Game-changers

If you have watched a lot of football and basketball like I have, then you will understand what I am about to write. If you have not, maybe you will understand after my eloquently worded entry enlightens your soul. Probably not, but it is probably still worth reading.

In a competition or game, there are a few different groups of people. First, there are spectators who are not even involved in the competition at all. They are passive agents in the outcome of the competition. I like to call this group ‘the crowd’. This is where most people fall.

There are many athletes that don a uniform and participate in the activities of sports and games. There are many that are part of the team but do not get significant playing time; playing time being time to be a part of the main story, to get to make a difference, to fight with your teammates for the one common purpose, etc. These players do serve a purpose, but end up spending much of their time out of the spotlight and on the sideline. I was one of these players in high school. I like to call these people ‘the others’. This group consists of a smaller number than the number in ‘the crowd’.

There are others that get significant time to play and fight. They are usually role players of some sort, meaning that they aren’t the most talented or skilled but do serve a very specific purpose or role. Not as many people fall into this category as ‘the others’, since it takes much more skill and effort to be in this. These players are vital to the success of any team. I like to call these players ‘the team players’. They do impact the game, yet not like the next group of players.

The rest of the players I like to call ‘playmakers’. This group is the most elite and the smallest by far. Although sometimes the talent disparity is vast, these players typically are equally as talented and skilled as the rest of the team, yet seem to be gamers, meaning that they can get it done when the heat is on in the midst of the competition. These players typically are the hardest workers on the team and are willing to give whatever it takes to get it done. They are game-changers. They don’t allow everything to just happen, but instead exert their will on the game. They are aggressive not passive. They make things happen. They change the game by their presence, talent and skill. The game is elevated and made different when they are in. There is a noticeable difference when they are either not in the game or are not engaged in the game.

If you’ve ever watched a true ‘playmaker’ or ‘game-changer’ then you understand how beautiful it is to watch them exert their will on the game. It just seems right that they dominate and make things happen. It is exhilarating and a rush to see them excel. It is what they were created to do in that moment. However, it is as equally disappointing to see them not be a playmaker as it is thrilling and right to see them make a difference in their sphere of competition and influence.

I was called out yesterday, because I have not been engaged in the game. I got called out for not being a playmaker and game-changer. Sure, I have been in the game. I have made some plays. I have helped the team out some. I have a decent stat line. I have the measurables. But I have not been being a game-changer. I have been content just being a part of the action, but not controlling the action. Partly this is because I have assumed that I am just one of ‘the others’ or at best one of ‘the team players’. But I have been told recently that I am one of the ‘playmakers’, but have rejected that calling. I’m not saying this to boast in my skill, talent or effort. I’m saying this to boast in the cross of Jesus Christ. I have been redeemed and have been ransomed to be a ‘playmaker’ – a disciple who is making disciples of Jesus Christ.

Obviously I am not talking about an actual competition or game, but instead life. I have been sitting on the sidelines mostly and when I am in the game I have been content with just being out there. I was called out to be a playmaker. To be a game-changer. To be going all out for the advancement of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I have been given so much that it’s a waste not to maximize my impact on the game. It’s not fitting for me (or you for that matter) to be content with just being at the game, or being on the sidelines, or being a team player. We need more playmakers. We need more game-changers. We need men to step up and make a difference.

I do not want to be half-hearted. I want to be spent for the Kingdom of God. I want to be used up for the advancement of the Glory of God in the gospel of Jesus Christ and the joy of all peoples in the sufficiency of Christ. I want to walk off the court having nothing left, because I left it all out there.

C.S. Lewis once wrote the following:

“Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”

I don’t want to be too easily pleased. I want to get in the game and make a difference for the Kingdom. I don’t want to be a half-hearted creature anymore. It’s time to be a playmaker and a game-changer.

Taking a Break

Well it's been about a month since I have written last and that's not been on purpose. I've just been real busy it seems.

However, the next month (or more), I am going to be taking a break from the blog on purpose. I'm kind of fed up with it a little bit and mostly I just need to focus on being where I am at, not in some space on the internet. Thanks to you all that have been with me from the beginning! Don't fret, I'll be back, but it just might be a while.

Ten Talent Existence

We’re building more – more and more things we do not need
Acquiring more – only to ignore the ones in need
What have we done? What have we done?

We build bigger barns, while they throw their arms up
For someone to save them; there’s Someone to save them
We build bigger barns, while they throw their arms up
For someone to save them; there’s Someone to save them

We use our time – time that we cannot replace
We use our lives – trying to come in first place
The last shall be first – what have we done?

We build bigger barns, while they throw their arms up
For someone to save them; there’s Someone to save them
We build bigger barns, while they throw their arms up
For someone to save them; there’s Someone to save them

Help us be those, who stand up for those
Who cannot stand for themselves

For the oppressed, the disenfranchised
The widow, orphan and homeless

For the hungry, the weak and thirsty
That they might know our King

For the Glory, of our Great King
He’s the Someone to save us

He’s the Someone to save us
From bigger barns, while they throw their arms up
For someone to save them, He’s that Someone to save them

Big Dreams Unrealized

There are too many thoughts running through my mind right now, so I am going to try to get a few of them coherently down on paper.

I am realizing that I tend to be more of a talker than a doer. I like to talk about doing something big with my life, but I have yet to do that. I like to talk about holiness, but I’m not always striving after it like I want to. I like to dream big, but have not really taken any steps towards those dreams. My life has been characterized by talking the talk, but not necessarily walking the walk; either from lack of opportunity or from lack of seizing the opportunities. Well I met an incredible person recently unlike any that I have met before; unique; very driven; challenging; exceptional; very much a doer and not so much a talker. Our time together made me really think about how I have lived my life thus far; lots of talk, not too much action. I do not want to make it seem like pure unadulterated action is the only way to live well, because like so many other things it is important to be balanced. However, I feel like I am unbalanced and have too much of the talk and not enough action. Hopefully soon I will have a chance to take some action in ways like I never have before.

God placed a dream/vision/hope in my heart a few years ago to make big waves for the Kingdom of God. After playing basketball for a number of hours, my college roommate, Mark Zobeck, and I sat down at the kitchen table of 4000 Oaklawn and began to dream. It was unplanned and fully spontaneous that we even began developing this dream, for we had never ventured so far before, nor had I even considered something of such magnitude. For the next hour though, as we gulped down gallons of water, we dreamed of making a big dent in the lives of thousands if not millions. We were naïve 21 year olds who did know any better than to dream big, so that we did. Unhindered by reality or the difficulties of actually living out our dreams, we dreamed bigger than either of us had ever dreamed before; or at least I did. The ideas were so beyond what we could actually do, it seemed unbelievable at the time to me that we could accomplish something like that. But inside of the absurdity of what we wanted to do, was the thought that this could happen one day. This could come into existence.

But could and will are on two completely different spectrums. One deals with the possible. One deals with the actual. Any infinite number of things are possible, but only so many ever come into being. But what we were dreaming that day, and have dreamed since, somehow fell into both realms. It was both impossible and possible. It was both absurd and completely realistic. It was naïve and somehow well thought out. It was arrogant to even think that much of our own abilities, but somehow it felt planned, as if Someone had laid it out this way from the beginning and it did not matter what our abilities were. It was as if it was just so crazy, it just might work.

So we dreamed that afternoon of how God might use us. We dreamed of going hard and making the most of our time, talents, opportunities and skills here on this earth. We dreamed of not settling for making a difference in the life of one, but striving to make that difference in the lives of thousands, if not millions. We dreamed of spending our toil here on this earth on something that would have eternal impact. We dreamed of using what God has given us for more than successful careers, fancy cars, comfortable futures and handsome rewards. We dreamed of changing our world.

I know that you are tired of reading about a dream that I have yet to tell you about. I realized that I have yet to divulge the details. Mainly, because I do not know the details. Sometimes God places a fire in our bellies not to be spent immediately in flaming glory, but to grow into something that would blaze for His Glory. Sometimes He puts it in us and puts us on the shelf to teach us about Himself. I think that this dream has been on the shelf and will continue to be on the shelf for some time. But I think that I am about ready to slowly start dusting it off, shining it up, and getting it ready to be used for His Glory one day.

Oh that we would dream big. Oh that we would spend our efforts on something so much more than ourselves. Oh that our work would be for those who do not have and have not heard of the Great High Priest. Oh that we would go hard for the King, who has silenced heaven to hear our prayers. Oh that we would make big waves in the Kingdom. Oh that He would reveal Himself to us each and every day as we seek Him.

Consider yourself commenced!

This weekend I had an incredible opportunity to be the commencement speaker at my high school’s graduation. Talk about a daunting task. I was asked because I am viewed in the eyes of my town as a ‘success’, which I can agree with to some point. I just wanted them to know why I have been successful; solely by the grace and mercy of God and not of any doing of my own. Also, I don’t quite view myself as vastly successful. I just see a guy who went to college, got a degree and got a job. I am no different than millions of others who get degrees and get jobs. Even those that did not get degrees are no different than I, in that I have just chosen a different way to provide for myself and others. Yes I might make more money, be in a more ‘respected’ profession and have far less life tragedy, but that does make me any better or worse. God gave me all my gifts, abilities, and opportunities and He has not given everyone the same, so it was not of my own doing but of God’s. God is shifting my view away from worldly performance and onto the cross more and more. I am who I am, but the deep, meaningful characteristic in me is a dim mirror that reflects the blood of Jesus on my life.

No doubt I don’t necessarily agree with others view of me, but I will definitely use the opportunities granted to me to show the grace of God and challenge others to live their lives for Jesus and others. And that’s basically what I said to the graduates and many others that showed up to celebrate with us. Life is best lived when it is lived for others.

I was able to shed some light on some of the big issues that our world faces. I wanted them not to be blind to the rest of the world, but to get their eyes off themselves and see all that is out there to live their lives for. I talked about the Water Crisis and how it controls the lives of close to a billion people every year. I talked about what people are doing to fix that. I briefly mentioned other major issues that would be very worthy of a life lived. I wanted them to be challenged and motivated to live a life that is not selfish, but one that is bent on giving.

I was able to share some stories from Living Water that have meant something to me. I shared an abbreviated version of the story of Harry Westmoreland. Harry was a man who lived his life for other people. Harry was a very kind, patient man who loved the Lord and wanted to help people. In 1990, he went on a mission trip with Sugar Creek Baptist Church to Kenya and saw the need for water for this one people group. So he made it his mission to try to just drill one well in Kenya for this one people group. But he failed for many years. On their last attempt, they were almost successful, but they did not get water. Harry, who was an incredibly patient man, stepped off the rig and threw his hat down in complete frustration. He had given up. He went back home to the States. However, on that specific attempt a Kenyan man, whose name I cannot pronounce so we’ll call him George, saw the whole thing. He had been there watching the whole time and had seen the passion and love he had for these people. Harry Westmoreland’s passion, love and service motivated George the Kenyan to eventually leave his job as a prominent business man to become president of Living Water Kenya. There are many lessons to learn from this story, but a few I highlighted were: you never know the impact that you have on others, perseverance is key, because if Harry had not come back one more time, Living Water Kenya would never have gotten started, and success is not measured by the numbers (of successful wells, bank accounts, degrees, cars) but in the number of lives impacted and the number of hearts changed.

I challenged them to think about two questions.

Who are you? What are you doing here?

I desperately want these graduating seniors (and those in the community that were listening) not to waste their lives pursuing more stuff. I want them to live a deep, fulfilled life that is centered on Jesus. I prayed that for each one as they crossed the stage. They may have dreams of dentistry practices, nursing careers, big families, many degrees, or just getting by, but my prayer is that they would live for something so much more than that. I want them to live for Jesus, if He opens their hearts to do so. I want them to see God for who He is and to see themselves for who they really are.

Not sure that I’ll be back anytime soon to speak at something like that, but my prayer is the same for you reading this, the guys I work with and those I have known so very closely over the years. Live for Jesus and others, not yourself.

‘For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that One has died for all, therefore all have died; and He died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for Him who for their sake was died and was raised.’ -2 Corinthians 5:14-15

Record Pace

Life is moving at a record pace. Now some would argue that I have punched the gas pedal to make that happen, but regardless of the facts my life is hastening its step.

This past weekend, I made a mad dash with some college buddies to Manitou Springs, Colorado to climb the magnificent Pikes Peak. This trip idea was birthed over a year ago and was originally planned as an escape from the pressures of life and school in College Station. By the grace of God though, we did not follow through with our psychotic plan back then. But this past weekend, those dreams were realized and the adventure was gloriously difficult. Five young men traveling over 1,100 miles in a very cramped Toyota Corolla, hiking over 20 miles in 14 hours, gaining 6,000 feet of elevation without any adjustment to the conditions, trekking through below freezing temperatures, fighting countless mental battles to just keep walking, all done out of a need to escape and rest. It is pretty amazing the things we will do to escape and experience the peace and tranquility that is found in God’s creation. In the stillness of the morning and evening on that mountain, the very presence of God was with us and nearer than our sweat-soaked bodies. The interesting part for me is that I have a disdain for hiking almost to the level of hate, however those few moments of overwhelming beauty and accomplishment somehow keep me trudging along. I have never been that guy who is motivated to push his body to the limits to prove his manliness. I am confident in the man that God has made me, so trips like this are not what get me going at all. But the trip was so much more than proving true some inner desire for meaning and worth; it was about being together with and fighting together with men of God. That mountain was not the proving grounds of life, but more the preparation grounds for grander and more meaningful fights to come.

God is teaching me so much about Himself and myself as of late. I cannot quite put words to it all the time, but it is happening regardless of my limitations with the English language. Just a few things:

·         Waiting on God to move

·         The Holiness of God

·         Trusting God with the big and little picture

·         Living in the moment, for that is all that I have

·         The need for skilled men to make a difference in the workplace and entire world

·         The desperate need for deep, real community

The pace of my life is not slowing down either. On Thursday I am making another trek across the very wide state of Texas to be home with my family. I have been asked to speak at my high school’s graduation. I am incredibly honored to get to do this. I am looking forward to sharing the grace of God in my life and challenging them to live for something beyond the sun, Solomon-style. Pray that God would move hearts to love Him and desire so much more than just perpetuating life. Pray that kids from this class would be changed and moved to doing big things for others with their lives. His will, not mine. His Kingdom, not mine.

I hope to see you and catch up as I zoom by on this downhill road that I am on!

So what now?

If you missed the first post about the specifics of the trip click HERE. In this post I want to write out some reflections on the trip, my changing view of missions, Living Water and what God is doing in me.

Using skills, not just trying to make friends

I have previously detailed how I desire to go overseas and feel like I am supposed to do it soon. I have thought that this would be some sort of relational-first mission, in which I just moved somewhere, learned the language, made friends and told them about Jesus. For some people I think that this might be the right approach, but for me I don’t think that it is. I want something tangible to be doing and helping with. I want to use my brain, skills, and talents to be about the good of the people, while all along being very relationally driven. There are many reasons why God urged me to do Petroleum Engineering, why He gave me a brain, why He has gifted me the ways that He has, why He has blessed me the way that He has and I want to use those to bring Him glory. I want to use engineering. I want to use my passion to help people. I want to use my brain. I want to sweat. I want to bleed. I want to serve. I want to use what I have to bless people, ministries and be on mission for the renown of Jesus Christ in whom we have reconciliation to God.

Extremes are difficult

Being surrounded by extreme wealth (both Gringos and native Guatemalans) in Guatemala was very hard for me. It is hard for me to walk in a high end wine and cigar shop while destitute beggars sit outside on the cobblestone streets all day. It is hard for me to see the kids with no shoes walking everywhere, while some (myself included) have over 10 pairs of shoes. It is hard for me to see people trying to just sell a few necklaces, blankets or flutes for a few bucks to survive, while we spend that without even thinking. Seeing all these things was not new for me or eye opening at all. However, the pain of reality is still there in my heart. It hurts because I can’t make a big dent in it all. It hurts because it will be like this until Jesus reconciles all things back to Himself. But one day, that day is coming. Jesus will restore all things back to perfect relationships with Himself and other things.

Missions is a huge task and not for the faint of heart

The task is monstrous. The mission is overwhelming. The work is never ending. The call is unending. Maybe that’s why Jesus said that those who endure to the end will be saved. Endurance is daily relying on Jesus and is of the upmost importance.

Working hard, sweating, serving and fast-paced action

I absolutely love sweating, working hard, serving and fast-paced action. This is part of the reason that one of the men on our trip gave me the nickname ‘el toro’.  Not much gets me going like working hard outside with my hands. But not just any work. Mowing the lawn? Not so much. Drilling a water-well for those that desperately need it? Yeah. Maybe God is revealing more and more what my passions and gifts are. Working hard for the good of the people is where my heart is bent. Tangible help, blisters, sweat, real change and lasting benefits.

Living Water and the long-term

Living Water is set up for the long-haul. They are seeking to get into just about every country in the world, because water is so important and is a great platform for sharing the love of Christ. Living Water is committed to maintaining the relationships and wells that they have put it for the rest of time. They are focused on building relationships with local churches, pastors, schools because those are the people that will have lasting impact in these communities. I think this is a healthy model for a ministry. Long-term goals. Lasting impact. Relationships. The Gospel at the forefront.

Opportunities for continued involvement with Living Water (aka Conversations with Mateo)

The third day of drilling I had a conversation with Mateo (a man on our trip who has been involved with Living Water over the years in different forms). Out of the blue, he asked if I had looked at the website for job postings. I thought he meant Chevron, so I said no because it was not time to start looking at that. He clarified that he meant Living Water’s website. He went on to say that he was going to email the head couple of guys in Living Water on Sunday (he knows them closely) to tell them that they needed to hire me. I was so taken back at this and was unsure why he was saying this. He said that they needed me because I had an obvious passion for the Gospel, water and helping people. He started to brainstorm about ways that I could be involved using engineering and my passions. He just kept saying that he sees me working for Living Water and traveling the world helping people and spreading the Gospel. I was so shocked to be hearing this, because in the depths of me I had thought this but had never expressed it out loud to anyone. However, in my insecurity I feel very unqualified and scared to take this on. We kept talking about it over the course of the trip. Something about that thought resonated with my heart and makes me want to pursue it more. I am not sure where to go with this, but I am just praying about it now. Praying about how this might fit into God’s call on my life to be about His Gospel.

Overall, it was an incredible trip and one that will be a milestone in my life. I am looking forward to seeing what God does through this. Thank you for your continued prayers for me. I pray that God may use my life and my stories to challenge others to seek Him with everything that they have.

A cup of clean water in Jesus' name

I just got back from my trip with Living Water to Guatemala. What an incredible experience it was! Thank you all so much for your prayers and thoughts. In this post, I am going to detail the trip specifics and what actually happened. But in truth, much more is happening in the hearts of our team, the hearts of the people of Los Angeles, Champerico, Guatemala, the hearts of Living Water and my own heart. I am going to write some more later on what God is doing in me, but for now here’s the trip.

Our team was made up of 4 men and 2 college age girls; 6 total. We met each other in the airport Saturday morning, but the group dynamics were great. We worked well with each other all week and really enjoyed being around each other. The school in the village that we drilled in had a hand-dug well that was to a depth of about 30 feet. The problems with this well were that their latrines were only about 50 feet away and were dug to the same depth, which means that their water was contaminated and unfit for drinking. Also, that depth is made up of thick clay, which has plenty of water in it, but is very dirty and filled with fine particles. This means that the children get sick far too often, miss too much school, drink too many processed drinks (sodas, etc.) and limit their chances at a full life. This water well was much needed and will also be used for the rest of community as well, since they have similar situations with hand-dug wells.

Early Monday morning, we arrived at the school in the village, which is about 5 miles from the pacific coast of Guatemala, and began preparations to begin drilling. Within 15 minutes, all of us were completely soaked with sweat and mud. We stayed that way the whole 3 ½ days we were in the village, but it was never a burden, because we saw how needed clean water was to these people.

On Monday we completed about 80% of the drilling, which was a total depth of 180 feet. On Tuesday we came back, finished the drilling, and installed the PVC casing to a total depth of 119’, since the best aquifers were only that deep. We placed slotted screens over about 40 feet of total aquifer and gravel packed the well the rest of that day. The end of that day was spent developing the well, which meant injecting compressed air over the aquifer intervals to clean up the mud that we had put in the rock while drilling. All the water that came out of the well was injected into the courtyard area of the school, which eventually became a mud pit for the Gringos and children to play in. The well was estimated to be able to provide 150 gallons/minute! Praise God!

On Wednesday we finished developing the well and did the concrete work around the wellhead. Thursday morning we came back to install the tubing and hand pump and then had a dedication service. The local pastor and other people in the community spoke and we all praised God for what He had provided. After that we said our goodbyes and headed back to Antigua, then back to the states.

The plaque that was placed on the well shows that the well was sponsored by my grandparents Ray and Sandra Smith. They have been my example my whole life of what it means to give generously and sacrificially, so this well was in honor of them.

It was truly an honor to get to be a part of drilling the well that myself, my friends and my family sponsored. I can’t explain to you the emotions that rose up in me as Jorge (a man in the community) and I pumped that first water out of the well. It was overwhelming and can’t be put into words.

If you want to check out pictures from the trip click HERE.

Isaiah 41:17 - 'I the LORD will answer'

Well today is the day. Somehow I’ve let it sneak up on me.

I am heading out tonight to fly to Houston, so I can leave in the morning for Guatemala with Living Water. First of all, I am so thankful to those of you who donated to help pay for the well. What a blessing that was to see!

I am so ready to just be there and be working for the people. I don’t find leaving my home to be unnerving at all; in fact, I think I will feel right at home serving these people. My heart is so ready to be moved and shaken. A great friend, Adam Perry, who made me aware of Living Water told me that this trip would radically shake my view on missions. If only he knew how prophetic that was for him to say about 6 months ago.

My only mission trip experience was to Moldova when I was in the 8^th grade. I loved the experience, but looking back I really did not know what was going on. I was just there and only somewhat apart of it. God has grown my heart so much since then, and I know that this trip will continue to shape who God is making me to be and my vision for how He wants to use me. I am fully expecting to be rocked to the core and am so ready for that.

Here’s how you can be praying this week for the people, the team and myself:

·         The People – Pray that not only would their physical needs be met, but that the local believers would use this well to connect people to Jesus, the true Living Water who alone can satisfy.

·         The People – Pray that the well would not be a distraction from but a platform for ministry to the people.

·         The Team – Pray for selfless attitudes and great group dynamics, since we are just meeting for the first time in the morning.

·         The Team – Pray that would be an encouragement to the local believers. Pray that we would enable the locals to do ministry and not get in the way, just because we are white and feel entitled.

·         The Team – Pray for a renewed sense of who God is and what we are to be about.

·         The Team – Pray for an understanding of God’s sovereignty even in the midst of trials. Don’t just pray for safety and health, but pray that God would be magnified even in the middle of it all.

·         Myself – Pray that my head would be cleared of all that is going on in my life, and that I would focus on hearing the still, small voice of God.

·         Myself – Pray that this trip would help refine me and my vision of how God desires to use me in Missions.

·         Myself – Pray that I would humbly serve and not seek recognition. Pray that my attitude would be the same as that of Christ Jesus (PHIL 2).

Thank you so much for your prayers and your support. I am borrowing a nice camera, so I should come back with lots of pictures and stories to tell. I look forward to sharing with you personally all that God has done in me!

‘Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. … When the poor and needy seek water, and there is none, and their tongue is parched with thirst, I the LORD will answer them; I the God of Israel will not forsake them.’ Isaiah 41:10,17

To the Nations

I am sitting here at Schlotzkys in Midland just thinking about that wonderful pizza I just ate. Sorry Dennis, that I ate pizza again. I promise I eat other things. Promise. That’s going to be one of the things that I miss though.

I was reading this morning through 2 Corinthians and came across this fresh verse.

‘For the love of God controls us, because we have concluded this: that One has died for all, therefore all have died; and He died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for Him who for their sake died and was raised.’ 2 Corinthians 5:14-15

I have skipped over this verse too many times in my life, but this morning it stuck and resonated. So I read it again and again.

‘For the love of God controls us, because we have concluded this: that One has died for all, therefore all have died; and He died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for Him who for their sake died and was raised.’ 2 Corinthians 5:14-15

I think that this verse articulates well what God has done in my heart as of late. This is the only response to God changing your heart and showing His great love to you – no longer living for SELF but living for HIM who died and was raised for you. Any other response other than total surrender to living for Him reveals much about the heart’s condition. More or less, Paul is saying that because He lived and died to purchase us, we are compelled to live our lives for Him.

Cool. We’ve heard that. We’ve maybe even thought about what that would look like; LIVING FOR HIM. Some of us would even claim that banner over our lives. Some have never read that and allowed it to sink in. Even worse, some are not yet alive and cannot live for Him.

But this morning, that verse became the banner over my life. Because of what Jesus did and is doing in my life, I have no other choice but to live for Him. His love controls/compels me not to duty, but to obediently following Him wherever He leads me.

So far, He has lead me to Schlotzkys in Midland. But I am beginning to sense a new direction for my life, and it is not Midland, Texas. The thing is though, I don’t know where exactly He is leading me. All I know is that God is moving and I must follow Him. Think about Abraham.

‘By faith Abraham obeyed God when he was called to go out to a place that he was to receive an inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going. By faith he went to live in the land of promise, as in a foreign land, living in tents with Isaac and Jacob, heirs with Him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city that has foundations, whose designer and builder is God. … These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. … But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared for them a city. … By faith Abraham, when he was tested, offered up Isaac, and he who had received the promises was in the act of offering up his only son, of whom it was said, ‘Through Isaac shall your offspring be named.’ He considered that God was able even to raise him from the dead, from which, figuratively speaking, he did receive him back.’ Hebrews 11:8-10,13,16-19

That cat had no clue where God was taking him, but still he trusted God. Talk about faith. But not even Abraham (in the Hall of Faith) could have imagined the plans that God had for him and the things that God would do through him. Abraham knew God and desired to follow Him no matter what, so he acted in faith and did follow him.

Faith is not seeing the future; Abraham surely did not see the future. Faith does not know the outcome. Faith does not make logical sense most of the time. Faith is a trust that God will be faithful to His Word and that He will be with you as you go.

So God is asking me to step out in faith; to live no longer for myself, but for Him who has purchased me with His blood. God is compelling me to go to the Nations with the Gospel.

Honestly, I go from scared to death to absolutely peaceful about it. I’ve worked out the details in my head a thousand times, but it’s a futile attempt, because already God is shifting. The only answer is to stick as close to Him as I can. Here’s some verses that I am clinging to.

‘Commit you way to the LORD; trust in Him, and He will act. … Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for Him. ... The steps of a man are established by the LORD, when he delights in His way; though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the LORD upholds his hand.’ Psalm 37:5,7,23-24

So, soon I will be headed to be a name-bearer of Jesus Christ. Soon I will be preaching the gospel to the nations. Soon, I will be stepping out in faith to the ends of the earth. Soon.

The Missionary Call

I had one of those conversations with my dad this weekend that I will remember for a long time. A few weeks ago, I expressed some of the ways that God has been dealing with me recently and asked him to be praying for me. If you don’t know, I want to hold my career, job, life plans loosely in my hands, so that God can use me however He wants. My heart has been moved over the past few years to missions/ministry of some kind, but I am just not sure exactly what God is doing with that yet. So I asked my dad and others to be praying with me about it.

So Saturday dad pulled me outside to sit under the shade tree and talk African style. He shared with me his experience of being called to the ministry. 17 years old, plans to head to A&M and be an engineer, God definitively called Him to full-time ministry through a series of events, talking to his parents about it and them being a little uncertain about it, heading to Baylor instead, thinking that his ministry would be teaching Greek, but God called him ultimately to be a pastor and lead people to Jesus. He expressed many things, but a few things really stuck out to me:

It was a definitive call, but not specific necessarily. I have wrestled with the necessity for a specific ‘call’ and it helped to hear that God’s call in His life was definitive but not necessarily neatly lain out. God did not exactly say, ‘I call you to be a pastor in Seymour, Post, then Huntington for so many years…’ God called dad to Himself and to serve Him. I don’t know that I have had that one moment where I heard God call me, but it has been a growing ache in my heart over the past few years. As my view of God has gotten bigger and more correct, as I have seen the world more and more, as I have grown and been challenged in my faith God has put the desire within me to serve Him with my whole life, which is the way it should be. I do have a definitive call to serve God (and I believe that all regenerate believers do as well, but we won’t debate that here), but do not know what the specifics are, and that’s ok.

Parents not understanding. His parents, and others around him, did not necessarily understand what God was doing. They did not necessarily see that happening. They did not necessarily want that to happen, but dad knew that he must obey what God had told him. Thankfully, my grandparents trusted him and allowed him to follow God, even though they might have wanted different things for their son. My PaPa spoke some profound words at my dad’s 40^th birthday party. ‘Darryl could have done anything he wanted to do with his life, but he chose to be a pastor and love people instead.’ He may have been being a little sarcastic, but was emotional as well, because he saw how his son loved Jesus more than achieving great things with his life.

God revealed His will in time as dad was walking the call out in faith. God did not lay out exactly how it was supposed to happen to dad immediately, but instead wanted dad to trust that He was working it out for His purposes and dad’s good. That is the essence of walking by faith. God wanted dad to walk with Him no matter where he went and wanted to grow the relationship that God had begun years earlier.

After dad told me all of this he told me how he has been praying hard for me since our last conversation. Through his prayers, God had told dad that he needed to ‘let Byron go’. Dad said that it was not a quick obedience, because it is hard to let your son go. But dad told me, ‘We release you. We release you from feeling like you must achieve what you might think we want you to. We release you to go and follow God wherever he leads. We’ll still be here and will be with you, but we release you to do what you need to do. You are no longer bound to our wants and desires, but are free to follow God.’ Wow. Talk about being moved. What a freeing thing to know that my parents are for me, but also want more for me than just to satisfy them. They want me and have freed me to follow God, which is the greatest thing they could do for me.

Dad also just affirmed me as well. He said, ‘You have the skills, talents, gifts and abilities to do whatever you want in life. And I don’t say that to everyone.’ He sees more in me than I see in myself. Not that God needs talented, gifted people to achieve His purposes, because He uses the weak things of this world to shame the wise and strong. But what a feeling to know that my dad thinks that I can achieve anything that I set my mind to, whether that be owning an oil company or being a martyr for Christ. Wow.

So we talked about what it might look like for me to follow Jesus into ministry/missions. We talked specifics and generalities, but definitely did not come up with the plan or answer. We just talked, and that was a beautiful thing.

Some thoughts on following Jesus into missions/ministry:

Being a missionary/full-time minister is so much more than going to other countries, it’s about being a name bearer, a faithful witness to the gospel, and opening your mouth to talk about Jesus every day, no matter where you find yourself. It is so important to know that a call starts right now and not one day if I get overseas.

I go back and forth often about what God’s call means specifically and how it will work itself out. One minute I think that is as a full-time missionary to some tribe in Africa, the next minute I think it is to be faithful witness at Chevron. Other times I think about how God could use Chevron as a platform to get me overseas fully supported. Then I throw in the fact that I desire to be married and have a family and I wonder how all that will fit in. Will my wife feel the same call? How would it all work? The fact of the matter is that there are too many questions and unknowns. I have to focus on Exodus 33:12-23 – praying that I would only go where the Spirit leads, praying that I would faithfully serve no matter where I am, and praying that I would know God more and more every day.