Wrestling with God

I got hit in the face yesterday with my pride and selfishness. I want life and ministry to be neatly wrapped up and delivered on time. I want God to show up and clearly speak His will, so that I don’t have to wrestle with Him or His will. I am admittedly very idealistic about life. I have these grand visions of how life should ideally play out. As much as I talk about struggle and resisting comfort, you’d think that I would understand that life hardly works out how we think that it should. I’ve realized this more and more recently and it has not been very pleasant. I have tried to control God with my actions. I have stopped trusting that He will provide all my needs through Christ Jesus. I have wavered and not been faithful to Him who has called me.

Life is messy. Life often comes without pretty wrapping paper.

I want life to be a batting-practice lob-ball. Life is instead a series of curve and screw balls that keep you off-balanced and guessing.

I want life to be neat and pretty. Life is instead thick and messy.

I want life to be clean and simple. Life is instead dirty and complex.

I want life to fit my formulas and make sense. Life instead does not fit formulas nor does it always make sense.

I want life to go how I want it to. Life instead is directed by God like the flow of a river.            

I want to be able to make all decisions by myself. But God says that there is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.  (Proverbs 14:12)

I want to be without community speaking into my life. But the Christian life is not about the individual, but the Church; the community of believers.

I don’t want life to be about my weakness and lack of put-togetherness. But God reveals that He is strong when we are shown to be weak. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

I want to know it all and have my life together. But God is not about me having my stuff together, but instead conforming me into the image of His Son as we walk together in relationship that leads to life.

I want to see the next step. But God wants me to walk by faith and trust Him.  

I want a lot of things, but often these things are not what God desires for me. I am praying and wrestling with God. I want my foundation to be the gospel. I want my hope to be the gospel. I want my life trajectory to be the gospel. I want my focus to be the gospel. I want to quit asking for answers and to learn to walk with God, trusting that His ways are better and higher than mine.