Being Known

God has given me the inclination and presupposition of being a little more serious and deep when it comes to relationships. My natural bent is to want to know people well and have some depth and not just some shallow external friendship. I truly desire to know people and not just be casual friends.

When I first began to realize this about myself, I sought to have every relationship be this way. I neglected relationships with people that I could not get past the shallow beginnings with, because I wanted so much more but could not there. At the same time, I poured into the relationships in which there was a natural depth.

I have come to understand though that not every friendship that I have can have depth and deep meaning like I want it to. It is not physically or emotionally possible to be that invested in that many people’s lives, because to really know someone requires much work and personal investment. Likewise, most people are not like me, in fact, probably very few people are like me. We all have different inclinations and personalities, and God made us that way for many different reasons.

Knowing people is not easy stuff and requires much toil. It is risky to put yourself out there, because to really know someone requires that you open up the deepest parts of yourself to that person. That is risky business. When people know each other well, people get hurt, offended and betrayed because we are a broken people; sinful to the core. These are part of the reasons that people say that you are blessed if you have a few great friends in the course of your life. I have been blessed if this is the case, as I have gotten to know a number of men over the years well. Straight from the hand of God.

I am noticing recently that although my bent is to have depth in relationships, I also am bent to resist this kind of deep, true community with others. I want it, but I don’t want it at the same time. I want to be known and to know, but I also don’t want to be known and to know. I have found myself not opening up and being honest with others more and more. I have found myself giving shallow responses and not investing myself into knowing others. I have found myself being lazy and not seeking to know others.

In my flesh, I resist when people offer deeper friendship and a more honest relationship. I know that I need solid community, but find myself warring against God’s provisions. I am tempted to ask why this is, but I know that it is fractured humanity working itself out of me. It is my sinful flesh that still thinks that it is in control. This is the part of me that God has yet to refine, but surely will before He is done with me.

I think that deep down I am scared of actually being fully known. I am afraid that people will see the deepest parts of me that are dirty, evil, and unrefined. I am afraid of the shame and explanations. I am afraid of being hurt and betrayed. I am afraid of what man might think of me.

However, I believe that coming from that same place deep within my heart to resist being known is the opposite desire to be known and not have to hide my humanity. I want to shed the disguises that I feel I must hide behind. I want to live and not worry about what man might think. I want to be free to be authentic with others. God has placed that desire within me.

I have never had this conversation with anybody else, but I believe that I am not alone in this. We all want to be known as we truly are, but find ourselves scared of this desire.

David spoke of this in the 139^th Psalm. The intimate language that he speaks with is quite reassuring to me.

O LORD, you have searched me and known me! You are acquainted with all my ways. You know my words before I speak them. You surround me and lay your hands upon me. You are always surrounding me. Your hand always leads me. You formed my inward parts. You knitted me together. I was never in secret from You. You planned out my days long before there were any days.

At the end, David asks of God this:

“Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”     -Psalm 139:23-24

I would find it hard many days to ask this of God, because I know what He would find within me. However, these thoughts lead David to praise God – to know Him more – and to be more like Him. That verse is my prayer.

O God, You know me and still love me! How awesome and cool You are! Help me to know and love You!