I got hit in
the face yesterday with my pride and selfishness. I want life and ministry to
be neatly wrapped up and delivered on time. I want God to show up and clearly
speak His will, so that I don’t have to wrestle with Him or His will. I am
admittedly very idealistic about life. I have these grand visions of how life
should ideally play out. As much as I talk about struggle and resisting
comfort, you’d think that I would understand that life hardly works out how we
think that it should. I’ve realized this more and more recently and it has not
been very pleasant. I have tried to control God with my actions. I have stopped
trusting that He will provide all my needs through Christ Jesus. I have wavered
and not been faithful to Him who has called me.
Life is
messy. Life often comes without pretty wrapping paper.
I want life
to be a batting-practice lob-ball. Life is instead a series of curve and screw
balls that keep you off-balanced and guessing.
I want life
to be neat and pretty. Life is instead thick and messy.
I want life
to be clean and simple. Life is instead dirty and complex.
I want life
to fit my formulas and make sense. Life instead does not fit formulas nor does
it always make sense.
I want life to go how I want it to. Life instead is directed by God like the flow of a river.
I want to be able to make all decisions by myself. But God says that
there is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death. (Proverbs 14:12)
I want to be without community speaking into my life. But the
Christian life is not about the individual, but the Church; the community of
believers.
I don’t want life to be about my weakness and lack of
put-togetherness. But God reveals that He is strong when we are shown to be weak.
(2 Corinthians 12:9-10)
I want to know it all and have my life together. But God is not about
me having my stuff together, but instead conforming me into the image of His
Son as we walk together in relationship that leads to life.
I want to see the next step. But God wants me to walk by faith and
trust Him.
I want a lot
of things, but often these things are not what God desires for me. I am praying
and wrestling with God. I want my foundation to be the gospel. I want my hope
to be the gospel. I want my life trajectory to be the gospel. I want my focus
to be the gospel. I want to quit asking for answers and to learn to walk with
God, trusting that His ways are better and higher than mine.
