All I want

I almost started writing about the struggle and fight that the past few days have been, but I stopped. I have too much to be thankful for to whine on a blog post. Here are just a few.

I was able to travel to Mississippi for the wedding of a true brother in Christ this past weekend. It was a blessing to be around my parents, his family, and to see the reward of many years of friendship with Josh Weaver! It was incredible to see his growth and his willingness to follow God recklessly with his life. Josh is younger than I am and thus I had always assumed somewhat of a mentor role with him, but it has been him in the recent years that he has taught me more about what it means to follow Jesus than I have ever taught him. For that, I am thankful.

God has given me the ability to use my mind, as some people never get to. Recently I have not seen this as a blessing but more a curse. I think excessively much and cannot seem to get past my thoughts sometimes. I have just wanted to get lost in something far beyond myself and forget about all the rabbit trails and epic journeys that my mind travels constantly. However, truthfully, I am choosing to be thankful for this.

God has been abundantly gracious to me. I do not deserve the things that I have or the chances that I have been given. I know that His grace and kindness towards me are meant to lead me to repentance, which is actively turning from sin, seeking to know Him more and opening my mouth to talk about Him often. For this, I am thankful.

I have been real down on myself today and just cannot seem to think anything beyond the negative. I have been beating myself up over silly things. I have not been seeking to know God and spend time in His Word over the past few days and weeks, as I desire to. I have settled for mediocrity and I have been content with where I am. However, today I have been realizing that I do not like where I am physically, spiritually, emotionally, socially, etc. How quickly I can get away from pursuing Him. Prone to wander, Lord I feel it.

This is what I have learned.

My attitude and perspective about life is in direct relationship with my nearness to God. When I am far from God, I tend to want too much. I begin to think that I deserve more than what I am not getting. I react in negative ways that push me further from God. When I am near to God, I see how small I am. I desire nothing but His will, and by His Grace, I act in ways that push me closer to Him. It is funny how that works.

Have you stopped to consider where you are? Are you content? Have you stopped (turned off phone, computer, facebook, music, gotten away from the crowd) and sought to know God? Are you being honest about where you are? Do you ache for something so much more, but just cannot ever put your finger on what it is you want? Are there longings deep within that seem to never be filled?

Run to Jesus and His Word. I am finding that He is all that I have and all that I want.